Homey’s Adventures Too – Chapter 14 – Acute Diverticulitis

Homey’s Adventures Too – Chapter 14 –Acute Diverticulitis 

First and foremost, thank you to all who have read my past blog posts and my book, “Homey’s Adventures.” 

As promised, I am continuing the series of all the chapters of my new book, “Homey’s Adventures Too.” I am now 71 and I decided that I did not want to spend my time haggling with editors, literary agents, and publishers. As I was editing this chapter, it brought back some emotional memories. The main thing I am interested in is to write for your pleasure and mine. So, without further delay, here is Chapter 14: 

Chapter 14 – Acute Diverticulitis 

Why do dreadful things always seem to happen on Sundays? It seems to me that often terrible things occur when we least expect it and when public services are closed or understaffed. 

I woke up Sunday morning and my Xena was horny. We often had cybersex by email, and she sent me an incredibly sexy video of her playing with her flower. I loved Xena and I wanted to marry her, so, I gladly joined in with her very aggressively. 

After climaxing, I got up and went to the bathroom. I noticed that my stool was full of blood. The day before, I had some pain like a disease I had several years earlier called diverticulitis. Diverticulitis is when small pockets form and poke through the wall of the digestive tract. Doctors call these pouches “diverticula.” 

When these pockets get inflamed or infected, you have diverticulitis, which can be painful. I did not have that much pain, but when I had this before, I did not have blood in my stool. 

I got dressed and decided to go to church. I experienced another bloody stool at church, and I decided to leave church early. I was scheduled to help count tithe which is one of the ways that I volunteer to help my church. I felt bad about excusing myself and leaving early. I did not know for sure what ailed me. Covid 19 was still a problem, and I did not want to infect my fellow church members. 

I went to an emergency center in my small town of Eureka. 

A nurse on call at the center greeted me and I pleaded: “I have pain in my groin area, and it is like when I had diverticulitis several years ago. I have had two bloody stools this morning.” 

She consoled: “We can do some tests here, but I suggest you go to the hospital.” 

I bowed my head: “Thank you.” and I left.  

Since the hospital was where critical Covid 19 patients went, I was not overly excited about going to the hospital, so, I went home. I had another bloody stool. I went to the cupboard where I kept my blood pressure monitor and sat back down on the couch to test my blood pressure. I was feeling dizzy. My monitor said that my blood pressure was 74 over 56. My normal blood pressure is 120 over 80. I called 911.  

When I described my condition, they directed: “Please leave your door unlocked.” 

I gave them my address and apartment number. My apartment was on the second floor of a two-story building without any elevators. Twenty minutes later my door opened. I gave them an account of my current condition and pointed to my blood pressure monitor. 

The EMT explained: “We would like to help you walk down to the stretcher downstairs. Do you think you can make it?” 

I surrendered:” Okay, let’s bring my phone.” 

When they helped me up, they exclaimed: “You have blood on your pants.” 

I looked a little distraught: “I didn’t know that, but I know my underwear has some blood.” 

They helped me down the stairs and put me on a stretcher and carted me off to an ambulance. I noticed a tanker fire truck had also arrived. I have always wondered why the fire department dispatched two vehicles for little old me. I have not gotten this much attention in years. I remember thinking:  I would rather not get this kind of attention. My new neighbors must wonder what is happening. 

I told the EMT to go to the hospital where all my doctors are practicing.  

They put me on some fluid (Intravenous infusions commonly referred to as IV drips) and checked my blood pressure and the EMT said: “Your blood pressure is okay now. Sometimes those home monitors can be off.” 

To my reader, my home monitor was working okay. Can you guess why I was having large fluctuations? 

After I got to the hospital, they decided to give me a CAT scan. The emergency doctor on duty asked: “Have you ever had a CAT scan?” 

I weakly responded: “Yes, I had one when I had C- def colitis in 2004. I also had one when I had severe pneumonia in 2006. I have never had any bad side effects from having them.” I was thinking; I am going to be nuked again. I wonder how many times you can be nuked and not get cancer. 

I have noticed that hospital staff tends to swarm around you at first and then leave you alone and go swarm around someone else. After the CAT scan, I must have been less interesting to them. I was left alone in the emergency room for a couple of hours. A hospital is one of the most boring places in the world unless you are dying and then it does not matter if you are bored. 

After a couple of hours, the emergency doctor came in: “You have diverticulitis. We want to keep you here tonight and treat you with antibiotics.” 

I explained: “Okay, I have an infectious disease doctor here named Herman and a GI doctor named Combs. My primary doctor is also here, and her name is Gomez. Please let them know I am here because they are familiar with all my medical history.” 

So, they carted me off to the oncology ward and gave me a private room. When my nurse visited me, she wore a mask and she said that I could take my mask off. Her and the other hospital staff were more concerned with spreading Covid 19 than anything else. 

My nurse was a delightful short young brunette, and my spirits were lifted by her. Jim decided to share my love of Christ and I was as cheerful as I could muster. I started calling her sweetheart because she was so delightful to be around. Her name was Miley. 

She said:” Since you have lost blood, you need to call me whenever you have to go. I will see that you don’t fall down.” 

After a while, I had to go, and she came in to watch me walk across the hospital room to the restroom. I got up and I took a couple of steps and the next thing I knew; I was looking up at the cute brunette nurse and my head was in her hands. 

Miley consoled me: “I wasn’t big enough to catch your whole body, so, I kept your head from hitting the floor.” 

The rest of the oncology nursing staff did the swarming thing. I was told later that this is called “Rapid Response.” It is not a code red which means you are dying, but they still give you a lot of attention. The head nurse of the floor praised Miley for not letting my skull get cracked on the hard hospital floor.  

After they got me to bed and they stopped swarming around me, Miley sternly commanded:” You are now on bed rest and bed pan only.”  

So, I did my business in a bed pan. I filled the bed pan up with a bloody mess. Miley was visibly shaken. When I was by myself, I prayed: Oh, my lord, I need your help. I am so embarrassed, and I have scared this beautiful young nurse. Please help me get better and help her too. 

I continued to try to be cheerful. For some reason God put these people in my path and I needed to be as loving as I could. In addition, the oncology ward is for cancer patients, and I am sure that there were people there that were in a lot worse shape than I was. 

The next morning, the shift changed, and I got a new nurse. She was about 5’5”, blond and beautiful. She also looked like she might be pregnant. I learned a long time ago to never ask a woman if she is pregnant. If it is just belly fat, then any comment is very offensive. 

She asked me: “How are you today?” 

“I’m feeling better. How are you?” 

“I am in my second trimester.”  

I am thinking: Thank you God, I am off the hook. She volunteered her condition. 

“You know I have always thought that a woman is most beautiful when she is pregnant.” 

She offered: “Yes some people say this.” 

I was thinking; I need to be careful with this woman. God taught me a long time ago to not lust after an engaged or married woman. So, I was careful not to lust after her, but I still wanted to be loving and cheerful to all the hospital staff. She was attractive, and my holding back was not easy. I offered an occasional “Thank you sweetheart.” I felt helpless and I was grateful for her care. 

I was getting better, and I stopped filling my bed pan with a bloody mess. My regular GI doctor, Combs was on vacation. So, one of his colleges, a Doctor John filled in. 

Doctor John came in and I let him know all that had happened.  

He prognosticated: “It is unusual for this infection to cause bleeding. There is a blood vessel near the diverticula and sometimes it is ruptured by things like constipation.” 

“I haven’t had any constipation doc.” 

“Today we are going to put you on a low residue diet and see if the bleeding starts again. We want to keep you here another day. If there is no more bleeding, then you can go home tomorrow.” 

I did not know what else to say except: “Okay.” 

Given Covid 19 and the fact that I was still waiting for Xena, my life was not that exciting at home, but it was a heck of a lot better than bed rest in a hospital. 

I was very hungry, and I ordered a ham and cheese sandwich. I can tell you when you have been pooping blood for two days, any food tastes good. So, I ordered a second one. I had quesadillas for dinner.  

God blessed me and Miley was my nurse again that night.  

When she visited me, I offered: “I am really sorry that I scared you last night.” 

“It’s okay, it is what I do.” 

“Thank you for all that you have done sweetheart.” 

Before I went to sleep, my stool was solid and not bloody, but it was dark. I could walk to the restroom, but I had to leave my business in the toilet so that the nurse could verify what it looked like. 

Miley had to take blood to check my red blood cell count every two hours. My red blood cell count was dropping. Red blood cells are what feed your body with oxygen. In the middle of the night, I had a partial dark red stool.  

Miley explained: “This could be just old blood draining out of your GI track.” 

Miley really had a sweet optimistic nature. 

Before the shift change at 7 AM, Miley performed an orthostatic test on me. Orthostatic hypotension — also called postural hypotension — is a form of low blood pressure that happens when you stand up from sitting or lying down. Orthostatic hypotension can make you feel dizzy or lightheaded, and even faint. She tested my blood pressure lying down, then sitting up. I failed the test. My blood pressure dropped 20 points when I sat up.  

Miley sternly commanded: “You are back on bed rest.” 

A couple of hours later Miley’s shift ended. I got a new nurse who called me darling even before I could try to charm her. She was 5’7”, blond and had the body of a goddess. Nursing scrubs are not that attractive on a woman, but she filled them out wonderfully. 

Her name was Maureen. As she wrote it on the white board she offered: “I’m Irish.” 

“I have had a boyfriend for 5 years, but he is out of work.” 

I am not sure why she told me that, but I observed: “He must be very smart because he still hangs on to you.” 

After she left, I started thinking of my Xena. I emailed Xena and let her know what had happened. She responded by trying to cheer me up and sending me some sexy pictures of her on a lounge chair in a skimpy bikini by the pool. Homey got hard. Sometimes, I had no control over Homey, and I had to pay attention to him. As I was stroking Homey, I was also hitting my groin with my left forearm. 

 About two hours later, I had to go to the restroom. Oh, my lord! My stool was full of blood! 

I began to worry. I tried to distract myself by thinking of songs for the nurses. I had a wonderful older nursing tech whose name was Corona. I thought of the Paul Simon song, “Me and Julio Down by the School Yard.” Here are the lyrics: 

The mama pajama rolled out a bed 
And she ran to the police station 
When the papa found out he began to shout 

And he started the investigation 
It’s against the law 
It was against the law 
What the mama saw 
It was against the law 

The mama look down and spit on the ground 
Every time my name gets mentioned 
The papa said, „oy, if I get that boy 
I’m gonna stick him the house of detention” 
Well I’m on my way 
I don’t know where I’m going 
I’m on my way I’m taking my time 
But I don’t know where 
Goodbye to Rosie the queen of Corona 
See you, me and Julio 
Down by the school yard 
See you, me and Julio down by the school yard 

In a couple of days they come and 
Take me away 
But the press let the story leak 
And when the radical priest 
Come to get me released 
We was all on the cover of Newsweek 

And I’m on my way 
I don’t know where I’m going 
I’m on my way, I’m taking my time 
But I don’t know where 
Goodbye to Rosie the queen of Corona 
See you, me and Julio 
Down by the school yard 
See you me and Julio 
Down by the school yard 
See you me and Julio 
Down by the school yard 

I needed to go again, and I pressed the nurse call button. When Corona came in, I filled the bed pan with a bloody mess. Rather than despair, I played the “Me and Julio” song on my phone for Corona. 

She smiled at me: “So, you think I am a queen.” 

“Yes sweetheart.” 

After that, I filled a bed pan up with a bloody mess about every two hours. I could tell the nurses were worried because they started swarming again. I was once again in “Rapid Response.” The Jim part me always wants to truly love. Am I going bleed out and not love others anymore? 

About the third bed pan full of bloody mess, I asked Maureen: “Why have you stopped calling me darling? 

I could tell she was worried. I have scared the shit out of another beautiful young nurse. She clearly cares about my welfare. 

I then added: “I have already almost died twice before. Once from C-def colitis and two years later from pneumonia. I am not afraid to die. I don’t want to die, but when Jesus takes me, he has his purpose that only he knows.” 

Maureen almost without hesitation: “I won’t let you die. I will reincarnate you.” 

I am not sure what she meant by that, but it reminded me of an Elvis song. When Maureen came back in for the last time before her shift was over, I offered: “I have thought of songs all day and played them for the other nurses. I thought of one for you.” 

Her eyes softened: “Please show me.” 

 I then played the Elvis song “Teddy Bear” on my phone for her. Here are the lyrics: 

Baby let me be your lovin’ Teddy Bear 
Put a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere 
Oh let me be (oh let him be) 
Your teddy bear 

I don’t want to be a tiger 
‘Cause tigers play too rough 
I don’t want to be a lion 
‘Cause lions ain’t the kind you love enough 

Just want to be your Teddy Bear 
Put a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere 
Oh let me be (oh let him be) 
Your teddy bear 

Baby let me be around you every night 
Run your fingers through my hair and cuddle me real tight 
Oh let me be (oh let him be) 
Your teddy bear 

I don’t want to be a tiger 
‘Cause tigers play too rough 
I don’t want to be a lion 
‘Cause lions ain’t the kind you love enough 

Just want to be your Teddy Bear 
Put a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere 
Oh let me be (oh let him be) 
Your teddy bear 

Oh let me be (oh let him be) 
(Your Teddy Bear) 
I just want to be your Teddy Bear 

She moved her wonderful body to my serenade. 

I offered: “Sweetheart, you said you would reincarnate me. If you do, I want to come back as your Teddy Bear.” 

She laughed. I only wished that I could see her smile, but she had to wear that darn mask because of Covid 19. 

Earlier in the day, I had told all the nurses and nursing techs that I had dedicated the rest of my life to what Jesus said was the second most important commandment: Love thy neighbor as you do yourself. I wanted them all to know that even though I was sick, they were still in my path, and I needed to love them. If I was going to die, I wanted to die by loving others. 

Just before the next shift change, Corona came by again. I told her how much I appreciated her care and how embarrassed I was about my bloody messes.  

She looked me in the eye: “I see you and I must take care of you.” 

She was restating the meaning of the second most important commandment. Jesus gave us the parable of the Good Samaritan to explain to us who our neighbor was. Corona knew this well. Our neighbor is anyone who crosses our path, and we need to do what we can to help the hurt and injured. 

“God bless you Corona and thank you so much.” 

The doctors ordered blood IV’s for me and after 3 pints of blood, my red blood cell count began to rise. I was in the hospital for seven days.  

Sherlock bought a phone charger for me, and I was able to charge my phone. I googled a picture of my ailment and I realized why I might have bled so much. 

I have given you my reader several hints. Have you guessed what it was yet? 

My primary doctor Gomez never visited me. I was not too happy about this. Instead, I had 4 different hospital general practitioners visit me. None of these doctors knew my medical history that well. In my experience, too many doctors tend to get in the way of each other. For example, the last night I was in the hospital, one doctor ordered me to stay on a liquid IV drip. Another doctor ordered it stopped. My night nurse did not know what to do and kept me on the IV. 

When two of these doctors showed up the next morning, I asked about it.  

“My red blood count went down last night, but you ordered this IV drip which dilutes my blood count. Why? “ 

He started to run for cover: “Pumping clear liquid into your veins is going to be instantly absorbed into your body and not dilute your red blood count.” 

“I had normal blood pressure yesterday. Why am I still on the IV?” 

So, he ordered the nurse to give me an orthostatic test. My blood pressure rose 40 points by the time I stood up. It was 170 over 90. 

I pointed to the blood pressure meter: “I want my doctors to have common sense and not tell me that somehow magically the stuff you put in my body gets absorbed instantly.” 

He left the room. The intern that was following him around was gracious and congratulated me on my recovery. 

I now regret my comments and Jesus tells us that losing our patience with someone is a violation of the “do not murder” commandment. My only excuse is that I was ready to get out of the hospital. I also was not happy that my regular primary doctor did not even bother to visit me. 

Doctor John, came by my last day and explained: “We would like you to stay another day, but you can go home if you want to.” 

I like this doctor and he and the nursing staff was the main reason that I had recovered.  

 “I want go home doc. I don’t know how much this extended stay is costing me and I want to get on with my life. I do have a question and a suggestion for you?” 

Doctor John decided to listen: “Please tell me.” 

 “My birthday is in 5 days and a month ago, I planned a trip to go to Colorado in 3 days. I will be flying to Montrose, Colorado where my brother lives. Then he and his wife will drive me to my sister’s house in Colorado Springs so that I can celebrate my 70^th birthday with my brother, sister, and mother and other family members. Can I go?”   

 “Yes, that should be okay. You will have people around you all of the time.” 

“Doctor John, I was thinking about what you said may have caused the bleeding and bleeding is not normal for this infection. I also looked on google at a picture of where the diverticulum bleeding is.”  

I lowered my voice and almost whispered: “This is between you and me only doc. I think that during masturbation, I may have aggravated the infected diverticula and caused the bleeding.” 

 “I have never thought of asking a patient about that.” 

“I plan to be more careful in the future, doctor.” 

To my reader, did you figure this out earlier in the chapter? If you did, then you are as smart as I am. Or you have read both my books and you understand who Jim Wish really is and the relationship between Jim and Homey. 

End Of Chapter 14 

I hope you enjoyed chapter 14. Next week, I will give you “Chapter 15 – Waiting for My Xena.” My new book has 32 chapters. So, if you want to receive all 32 chapters as soon as the post is created, then become a follower of this blog. 

If you do not want to wait that long and you have not read my first book. I encourage you to go to my website, www.homeysadventures.com. You can read the first two chapters for free, and you can also purchase it. Or you can purchase it from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and many other fine retailers. Just search for it using the words: Homey’s Adventures by Jim Wish. 

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I liken myself to the Vienna Violinist described in chapter 5. I play (write) for your enjoyment and mine. God bless you all.