Greetings and thank you to all who have read my blogs and my book, “Homeys Adventures”. The thing I ask everyone who has read my book is what’s your favorite chapter? The answer I get almost all the time is Chapter 16 – Cancun. It’s my happy ending and as Hollywood knows and banks on, most people like happy endings. My favorite chapter is Chapter 10 – Agatha.
I like this chapter because it agrees with my quest of loving people as I do myself. As I pointed out in my Christmas blog, I think we should love the people we are with. I had a great time loving Agatha and here is the chapter for just you my reader:
I had been betrayed by two different women. At this point, another man might ask God, “Why are these things happening to me?”
I attended church before I started writing this chapter. In the book of James in the Bible, James says that God does not do bad things to you. God is love. Hateful things are done to you by the influence of the devil. I believe the devil uses all his sinful tools to try to destroy love.
Some people say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” The metaphor doesn’t fit me, but I like the sentiment. I like lots of lemon in my tea, and I put salt on the tea-soaked lemons and eat them after I have my tea. I agree with the sentiment because the best way to conquer failure is to learn from it and try something else. I am never a victim, and I don’t believe in wasting time feeling sorry for myself. I am a doer and not a person who wastes time. A better metaphor for me is this: “I like lemons. Bring them on. I will eat them for lunch.”
About a month after the Ukrainian makeup artist betrayed me, I remembered a gorgeous criminal lawyer in Kiev who I instinctively trusted. I nicknamed her Agatha because she wanted to write mystery novels in the United States. She was also very thoughtful and smart—like a modern-day Agatha Christie.
When I first saw her picture, it was almost love at first sight. The Ukrainian website has private pictures that you can look at after you chat with the woman. Her private picture showed her in blue lace underwear, and blue is her best color. She has medium-length black hair, big beautiful blue-green eyes, and a face that looks as pure as Disney’s Snow White. She also has large breasts and terrific sexy thighs and rear end. Last but not least, she is five foot six inches tall, which is almost perfect for sex with me.
You might think that I exaggerate the beauty of these woman. I can tell you that the Ukraine has the most beautiful women in the world, and Agatha is one of them. It is not only me who thinks this. I read an article that ranked countries with the most beautiful women, and the Ukraine was ranked second only to Brazil. I know a lot of famous beauties like Adriana Lima come from Brazil, but those women have nothing over the women in the Ukraine. In Kiev alone, the Ukrainian website has thousands of beautiful women.
Agatha is also beautiful on the inside. She is introspective, not vain, and not jealous at all. However, I found out early that Agatha is the youngest girl sibling. Since I have never had a successful romantic relationship with the youngest girl sibling, I said we could be friends and moved on to other women on the website. Agatha had a different opinion. She thought I was her man.
My best friend thinks my theory that we learn to get along with people based on our sibling relationships is horseshit. He is the oldest boy in his family and has had a long and successful relationship with his wife, and she is the oldest girl in her family. I concede that the article I read many years ago might not apply to everyone, and as a mathematician, I know my sample size is small.
Since I instinctively trusted Agatha—and still do—I asked if she wanted to meet me to prove that I was wrong, and she was right. She agreed if I would meet only her and no one else. I didn’t like the idea of traveling five thousand miles to Kiev and meeting only one woman who I thought I was not compatible with.
Agatha was gorgeous, and I had other objectives too. I wanted to prove to myself and anyone who asked that these women were real. I also wanted to go someplace exotic because I was finally divorced. I also wanted to go to Europe for the first time. So, even if I was right about our compatibility, I would still achieve a lot by going. So, Jim and Homey agreed to her conditions.
I had sent some Homey adventures to Agatha before this, but I wanted to send some more to test her views on sex and prepare her for the way I viewed love, sex, and romance. I modified Homey’s first date adventure to see how she would react:
You meet me at the airport, and I have flown seventeen hours. I greet you in jeans and a T-shirt with an old man on it. Well, this isn’t just any old man. This is the famous author Mark Twain. He was also famous in his day as a humorist and speaker.
My favorite quote of his is on this T-shirt: “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Mr. Twain grew up in Hannibal, Missouri, which is only ninety miles from where I live now in St. Louis. Someday, I will take you there and show you.
As always, you are stunning and so perfect that I am speechless. You meet me in a sundress, and it’s a beautiful day. After you take me to my hotel, we kiss. I drop dead from jet lag while you go shopping.
I wake up and order champagne, caviar (for you since fish eggs are not for me), and roses for your return. You return happy with a couple of bags.
I open the champagne, and we toast to a beautiful future. I ask you if you want to meet me in the shower. To my wonderful delight, you say yes.
Like any good Boy Scout, I’m prepared. I head for the water closet and apply my shot from the men’s clinic and hear you turn on the shower and get in. I get in behind you and place my hard Homey on your butt.
I whisper in your ear, “You’ve been a bad girl. You’ve been sending sexy pictures to an old man in St. Louis.”
You say, “I’m guilty. Spank me.”
I playfully spank you. I then turn you around and kiss you passionately on the lips. I then kiss the nape of your neck and then down to your beautiful breasts.
I love those beautiful breasts. I start sucking them, and I start kissing down your stomach until I get to your flower, and I lick it twice.
You say, “More please.”
I say, “No, you’ve been a bad girl.”
You say, “I need to be spanked.”
I say, “No, I’m going to eat your flower.”
I then voraciously eat your flower. I love eating your flower in the shower with water coming down on my head. I reach up and grab your nipples and pinch them to give you added excitement.
I turn off the shower, we towel off, and I kiss you again and take your hand and lead you onto the bed. I hand you a bottle of glide oil and ask you to put some on Homey as you sit on the bed. I groan with excitement as you do it, and I rub your back in appreciation.
I turn you around, put a pillow across your stomach, and guide you onto the bed. I then stare at your beautiful rear end and flower in amazement! I have seen many pictures of this beautiful rear end, and up close, it almost makes me cry because it is so wonderful!
I put some more glide oil on your flower, and I put my hard Homey halfway in your flower from the back and pull out.
You say, “What’s wrong?”
I say, “You’ve been a bad girl.”
You say, “Spank me.”
I playfully spank you, and I put my Homey back in full. Slow at first and then harder and harder. I’m slapping your butt with my thighs, and you feel my Homey getting thicker and thicker. I don’t come because I want you to come on me. You’re shaking with excitement, and your knees are weak, but I still don’t come. Homey is big and full, pumping in and out of your flower and hitting just that right spot. Your juices are all over Homey!
I turn you over and put my juiced-up Homey between your breasts and squeeze them around it and hump your breasts. On the upswing, you accept my Homey into your mouth and suck it and suck it.
I drop down, kiss your neck, and suck your beautiful breasts. I insert Homey into your flower and hang onto you tightly. It’s my turn. I’m banging you hard and Homey swells inside you. I’m pumping hard. I explode and let out a guttural groan at the top of my lungs, and I finally let my manhood go inside you.
I roll to your side, and I say, “Agatha, I love you.”
My beautiful Agatha, this is more like Fifty Shades of Grey. I hope it wasn’t too erotic—and please don’t think that I’m assuming anything when we meet. I think this is one of the reasons why you think I’m perfect for you.
Believe it or not, baby, I’m still willing to just be friends—or we can eventually take this path and take it to Vegas and get married. You need to tell me, and I need to know about approval on my trip soon please.
My dear Jim,
I want to take your hand and hold it forever. You are so romantic, and I know you will do anything to make your woman happy. As a woman, I’m shy talking about this openly. I’m not so brave like you. Tomorrow you know when to come.
I kiss you,
So, she is shy. Not a big deal and not a rejection. I continue to recycle Homey’s adventures and send them to her:
As a reward for coming to the USA and being the love of my life, I take you to the state where I was born: Colorado (see picture). It is the highest state on average in the USA, and the majesty of it is breathtaking—just like you take my breath away.
We stop to eat lunch at a local bar in Salida, Colorado. They have a local art fair, and you enjoy it as we walk around and look at the Western American art.
We rented a cabin for the night. The cabin has no electricity and only oil lanterns. You’re in an old four-post brass bed wearing my favorite blue underwear. We hear animals outside, including a bear. You snuggle close to me for protection, which makes Homey very happy.
I walk in early in the morning with blue jeans, a T-shirt, a holster, and a gun.
You wake up and see me pointing the gun at you. You say, “What are you doing?”
I don’t say anything.
You get out of bed and start for the door.
I shake my head and bring up the gun.
I point the gun at your bra.
You understand. You take off the bra and reveal those magnificent breasts.
I point the gun to your lace panties.
You sit on the bed, and you slowly drop your panties and start massaging yourself.
I pull glide oil of my pocket and pull Homey out of my jeans. I give you the lotion.
You put the lotion on Homey and start caressing him with your other hand.
I moan with excitement and rub your back in appreciation.
By this time, you notice the gun is a toy, but you don’t care. You smile at me, and it takes my breath away.
I smile back. I slowly move you back onto the bed. I then kiss you passionately on the lips and start making love to you. I eagerly make love to you, holding you very tightly like I never want to let you go, and explode inside you.
My love, I hope you like this narrative. It is based on a place where I stayed when I was a fourteen-year-old kid. I would love to show you my mountains soon. It is also based on a scene out of a movie called Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. If you get a chance, you should watch it.
Jim and Homey
My dear Jim,
I must say you were born in an amazing state. It’s so beautiful and from your childhood you saw all this beauty.
I see where you have such a good taste.
You are so romantic, and you model interesting situations.
I can say you have a talent to write books.
What do you think about it?
It will be a good scenario of our movie.
I know you will save me no matter what.
You are my superman.
I hope you are having a good time.
Homey was encouraged by her responses. Other women had suggested that I write a book before, but I didn’t know that Agatha wanted to write one too. Déjà vu?
Homey also wrote about going to Vegas and the Greek sightseeing tour. The day before his trip, he sent “Baja Fun.” Today, I apologize to Agatha for trying to overwhelm her with all these recycled adventures. To be honest, I wanted to make sure I had her interest so that she would not betray me like the makeup artist did. Based on all her responses, I think I did impress her.
My trip to Kiev was mostly uneventful, but the plane change at Heathrow in London was somewhat stressful. Heathrow is the most disorganized airport I have ever been in. It has corridors to nowhere and buses that take you to different parts of the airport. It was the first time I had ever gone through a security check to change planes. All this took time, and I almost didn’t catch my flight to Kiev.
My biggest mistake in going to Kiev was not having enough cash. I recommend making sure you have cash when you go to the Ukraine. Kiev has not fully adopted the ways of our cashless world. Also, I suggest that you tell your bank that you are going. Western banks are suspicious of your debit and credit cards suddenly showing up in Kiev. By my third day in Kiev, I had everything straightened out, but it was an embarrassing struggle before that. The beautiful graceful Agatha understood the problems I was having, and she did what she could to accommodate me. Agatha is a good woman.
My hotel was in the Podil district of Kiev, which is the oldest part of Kiev, and it was very charming. I walked around and found a sign on a snow fence that was written in English: “We love Podil.” I also found a flower shop and bought twelve roses for Agatha. Everything is cheap in Kiev compared to the USA. I saw a beautiful clear glass flower vase in the flower shop, and I bought that too.
The first night I was there, Agatha and an interpreter from the Ukrainian website showed up at my hotel at seven o’clock as prearranged. I had to pay the interpreter in cash, which I didn’t expect, and that adversely affected my cash flow. The interpreter was a cute twenty-one-year-old college student who spoke perfect English. Agatha was not that fluent in English, but it didn’t matter to me. Agatha was gorgeous and gracious—and so was the interpreter. Homey was going to have a very good night of romance.
I presented my flowers and vase to Agatha just after she arrived, and we kissed each other on the cheek. The present was a little awkward with the vase and water in the vase to keep the flowers fresh.
I told her of my meanderings earlier, and I said, “I just couldn’t resist buying you the vase too.”
The vase made for a good conversation, and I think she was delighted. I intended to prove myself wrong and her right by trying to be as charming as I could be and giving our love every chance possible.
Of course, all of this was going back and forth through the interpreter, and she was great about making sure Agatha’s and my intentions were conveyed.
Agatha asked, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”
I thought of an old English saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” I said, “I want to try traditional Ukrainian cuisine.”
I wanted to immerse myself into Ukrainian culture.
We got into a Lyft car and headed for the Ukrainian restaurant. Lyft cars are cheaper in the Ukraine than taxis, and my escorts preferred that to diving themselves. Of course, that was another item to drain my cash flow, but Agatha was very good about pointing out items of interest along the way. What a wonderful woman, a tour guide, and gorgeous!
The restaurant reminded me of a Bavarian chalet. Agatha recommended that I order borscht, which is very Ukrainian. So, I had borscht. She put a dollop of sour cream in my borscht and stirred it to show me how Ukrainians eat it. The borscht was a little too bit sour for my tastes, but it was good, and I ate it all.
We talked about our wishes and desires, and she said, “My dream is to become a mystery writer in the USA. It’s only a dream, and I don’t really have the education.”
I said, “Formal education has very little to do with your success. The second richest man in the world, Bill Gates, never finished college. In America, you only need a dream, goals, and determination.”
After dinner, I suggested we go dancing. I really don’t like dancing because I was a drummer and played the drums rather than dancing at dances. I suggested dancing because I was trying to please Agatha, and I was trying my best to disprove my sibling theory. We arrived at the nightclub, and before we went in, the interpreter took a picture of Agatha and me with the flowers and the vase. I still cherish that picture because I was having so much fun!
I found out that Agatha had never had a margarita before. I don’t remember how it came up. Maybe she was thinking of “Baja Fun” which I had just sent to her the day before. I ordered margaritas for all of us. We then went out on the dancing floor.
I was feeling good and maybe even young again. Some of my dance moves were a little goofy, but Agatha didn’t seem to mind. She seemed to like the old 1970s disco style of dancing.
We went back to bar and had more margaritas with the interpreter. The interpreter had attracted a young man, and he wanted to dance with her. She said no because she was working. She asked me about it.
I said, “I have no problem if you want to dance, but you need an okay from Agatha.”
She and Agatha talked, and again she told the young man no.
I was getting warm in my new five hundred-dollar Brooks Brother sports coat, which looked good.
Agatha noticed I was getting hot, and she took my sports jacket to check it with her flowers and vase in the coat check area. I still remember her walking away with my sports coat in her arms. What a beautiful sight! The young man was still hanging around, and I started to get a little irritated at his barging into our party.
I turned to the interpreter and said, “Do you want me to say something to him?”
She said, “No.”
When Agatha came back from checking my sports jacket, I asked her to dance again. The margaritas had me feeling pretty good. Another middle-aged goofball started kind of dancing with us, and Agatha ignored him. I started doing some goofy moves again. To show the other goofball that she was mine and not my daughter, I playfully slapped her on the butt. She gasped and then smiled. Maybe she knew why I did that.
One move that she didn’t like was when I played drums with my fingers close to her wonderful breasts without touching them. I explained later—while chatting with her on the website—that I was playing her tom-toms. I showed her a picture of a drum set and explained what tom-toms were. She got the joke and laughed at it as we chatted. Agatha had wonderful breasts.
When we got back to the bar, Agatha cut me off from buying more margaritas. What a wonderful woman; she knew when I had had enough. The young intruder final gave up and walked away after saying something nasty in Ukrainian. Agatha touched my arm slightly, which indicated that I should do nothing. Wow! What an astute thing to do. This was a smart woman!
We collected our things from the coat check, and we all got into another Lyft car and headed back to my hotel. Before I got out, I leaned over to give Agatha a kiss good night—and she pulled back. I recommend to any man when this happens, act like it didn’t happen. I said good night, got out of the car, and went to bed. Except for the errant attempted kiss, I had a wonderful night!
I got up the next morning feeling great. I had more fun that night than I had had in years. I went to the breakfast room at the Radisson Hotel and noticed that the employees were watching me closely. I was not sure why. I wondered if the suspicion was left over from the old Soviet empire days.
After breakfast, I attempted to withdraw more cash from the ATM in the hotel lobby. Uh-oh! My bank had frozen my account. I went online on my phone and emailed the bank to tell them that I was in the Ukraine and needed them to not be fucking around with my account. I didn’t use those terms, but that was what I thought.
The bean counters at banks pretend that they created automated security for your benefit, but it’s mostly for their protection because they don’t want to be on the hook for a fraudulent withdrawal or be bothered with reporting it to the FDIC.
My saving grace was that things are relatively cheap in Kiev. I also had two gracious, understanding, and beautiful women looking after me. Agatha and the interpreter arrived at my hotel about three o’clock. Agatha knew that I loved history and walking. So, with her as a guide, we walked around Podil.
Podil is the oldest part of Kiev, and its history is very rich. Podil was once the commerce center of Kiev. There are a couple of magnificent churches in Podil, and it was once the Jewish center of Kiev. It is now the artistic heart of the city and is like what Greenwich Village is to New York City.
Podil had many old European-style buildings that were two to five stories high. Agatha walked and talked about the rich history of this beautiful old place. I was getting a grand tour! The only thing I worried about was that she was working too hard and not enjoying this wonderful place with me. It was obvious that she had wandered these cobblestone streets many times—and very little was new to her.
We came across this life-sized bronze statue of an eighteenth-century man proposing to a woman on one knee.
Agatha said, “If you touch the noses of the man and woman and make a wish, your wish will come true.”
I said, “You go first.”
After she wished, I said, “What did you wish for?”
She didn’t answer.
Okay, my turn. I suddenly remembered the old movie Roman Holiday with Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn. In one scene, Gregory Peck puts his hand in the mouth of a large stone statue and pretends the statue had swallowed his hand. Peck pretended to be in pain as his hand was being pulled into the statue. Audrey laughed at his stupid joke.
I cautiously touched the noses of the statue, and then I jumped back and pretended there was an electrical shock. Agatha and the interpreter laughed at my antics. I was thinking good! Agatha was having some fun!
As we walked, I heard the melodious sounds of Agatha telling me about things and the interpreter saying them in English. She talked about the famous people of the past and even about the best McDonald’s in the Ukraine. McDonald’s is American capitalism at its best. Our fast-food chains had reached into even that quaint and beautiful part of the world.
We came to an area where thousands of people were walking around just like we were. In 2014, there had been a student-led revolution. I described the near revolution in the USA when I was a student during the Vietnam war in the late 1960s. Agatha had heard of it, and I was impressed with her knowledge of it.
Agatha needed to take a phone call, and she instructed the interpreter to show me the memorial that is dedicated to heroes of the 2014 uprising. I love reading about history, and the historical plaques were in English in addition to Ukrainian and Russian. I busied myself reading while Agatha was talking on the phone. I also took a picture of the cute interpreter so that I could have her image as a keepsake of the wonderful time I was having.
After Agatha got off the phone, we took more pictures—and I made sure Agatha was in them with me for my keepsake. Behind the memorial, there was a shopping mall.
I had solved my cash problem at an ATM. Before that, Agatha had offered to pay the entrance fees to a cathedral. I told her I couldn’t let her do that. She also bought me a bottle of water to help quench my thirst.
I was so happy and grateful to this wonderful woman, and I said, “Let’s go shopping.”
In the mall, Agatha was delighted by everything. Women love shopping. We went to a perfume shop, and she had to touch and feel and smell everything. She picked out a cologne for me and a perfume for her, and I bought both.
She said, “Could you buy me a new purse?”
I said, “Sure, why not?”
I sat on a leather-covered bench while she went off with the interpreter to do who knows what. She came back to me with a beautiful red leather purse and said, “The price is 50 percent off.”
I smiled at her and said, “What a bargain! We must buy that. Yes!”
I bought her the purse, and we discussed what we wanted to do next.
I suggested walking back to my hotel so that I could shave and change my shirt before dinner. I suggested Italian food.
Agatha and the interpreter conferred and agreed on a place to eat near my hotel. They waited in the lobby as I went up to my room and did my thing. When I came back down to the lobby, Agatha was in the bathroom, and the interpreter was waiting for me on a bench.
We started walking around the other end of Podil, which was more commercialized than the beautiful areas we had been in all afternoon.
Agatha was somewhat lost, but we finally found the Italian restaurant.
I asked Agatha, “Would you like Chianti to drink with our meal?”
She said, “I never had that wine.”
With the waiter’s help, I ordered a bottle of dry Chianti because I find it more pleasing to have with Italian food. I had lasagna, and Agatha ordered an Italian salad.
Agatha said, “I am tired, and my back is somewhat tense from working all day.”
I took this as an invitation to give her a back rub. I learned from the runaway nurse of my youth how to give great back rubs. I started with a circular motion on her lower back, just above her butt.
After a few seconds, Agatha almost whispered to me, “Don’t.”
Well, I guess I didn’t have an invitation. I stopped without saying a word. I ordered chocolate ice cream for all of us because I knew that it was excellent with the dry Chianti wine.
When the ice cream came, I said, “Eat a spoonful of the ice cream and then take a sip of wine.”
Agatha and the interpreter agreed the combination was excellent.
Agatha said, “My family and I have come here before, and we had a party over there.” She pointed to a brightly lit gathering area.
I said, “I agree with your choice. The food and the atmosphere are wonderful!”
It was about nine o’clock, and it was time for us to depart. Given the rejection of my back massage, I paid the interpreter and gave her money for cab fare I suggested that I could find my way back to my hotel.
Agatha said, “You should come with us in the cab, and we will drop you off.”
After we got to the hotel, I did not try another good night kiss. I said, “Do you still believe I am the man of your future.”
Agatha said, “I am not sure.”
I bowed my head in despair and looked heartbroken. I said, “You were so sure before.” I thanked her for a wonderful day and exited the cab.
Agatha popped out of the cab and gave me a full-body hug.
I felt her wonderful breasts on my chest. I kissed her on the cheek and said, “I love you.”
She responded, “I know.”
Looking back on those moments, I knew that I was right—and she was wrong. I did not pass her touch, feel, and smell test. I also prefer my woman to be more sexually aggressive.
Agatha later said, “I would never have sex on the first couple of dates, and I am not a fallen woman.”
I said, “I don’t think of any women who openly like sex as fallen. You didn’t say anything after I sent you those erotic Homey adventures. Why not?”
She said, “I just saw them as wonderful fictional stories.”
I said, “Okay. I understand. I had a great time in Kiev!”
I thought of the words to “Peaceful Easy Feeling” by the Eagles:
I like the way your sparklin’ earrings lay
Against your skin so brown
I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight
With a billion stars all around
’Cause I got a peaceful easy feelin’
And I know you won’t let me down
’Cause I’m already standing on the ground
And I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul
Oh, but she can’t take you anyway
You don’t already know how to go
And I got a peaceful, easy feelin’
And I know you won’t let me down
’Cause I’m already standing on the ground
I get this feelin’ I may know you
As a lover and friend
But this voice keeps whisperin’ in my other ear
Tells me I may never see you again
’Cause I get a peaceful easy feelin’
And I know you won’t let me down
’Cause I’m already standing I’m already standing
Yes, I’m already standing on the ground
Agatha, if you read this, I want you to know that my trip to Kiev was one of the best trips of my life—and you didn’t let me down because I am already standing on the ground. In other words, I didn’t expect anything from you, and what I got was wonderful. I tried my best to prove me wrong—and you right. I was as charming as I could possibly be, and it is not your fault that I didn’t meet your touch, feel, and smell test. It is just the way God made us.
If you want to learn more about Jim and Homey, please visit my website: http://www.homeysadventures.com. You can read the first two chapters for free there. You can also buy my book from the website or Amazon or many other fine retailers. Just search for “Homey’s Adventures” by Jim Wish.